Debunking the Myth of God’s Chosen Spouse
“If you say there’s no God’s chosen spouse, what does Proverbs 19:14 mean?” asked a lady. A few years ago, I was privileged to teach about relationships at a meeting in London, where I exposed the myth of God’s chosen spouse. During question time, a lady asked the question above. This article will address why many believe God chooses a spouse, explain Proverbs 19:14, expose the myth of God’s chosen spouse, and show the solution.
Table of Contents
Scriptural Reference
House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the Lord. (Proverbs 19:14 KJV)
Why Many Believe the Myth Of God’s Chosen Spouse
Proverbs 19:14, the verse the lady asked me to explain, is a scripture often misconstrued to support the belief in God’s chosen spouse. Many people assume that the Lord can choose a spouse because the verse says a prudent wife comes from the Lord. Nevertheless, “a prudent wife is from the Lord” does not mean God chooses a spouse.
Meaning of “A Prudent Wife is From the Lord”
“A prudent wife is from the Lord” means that a good wife is a gift from God, consistent with the scripture that says every good and perfect gift comes from God (James 1:17 NLT). So, a good wife, like every other good gift, comes from the Lord.
However, a gift from the Lord doesn’t mean it is God’s chosen. A person can choose their gift themselves. For example, a hard-working lady may decide to buy the latest car of her choice. She goes to a car shop, chooses a grey car, and pays for it. When she gets home, she dedicates the car to the Lord and thanks Him for the gift.
Is the car a gift from God? Yes, it is! However, although the vehicle is a gift from God, it wasn’t God’s choice. The model and colour of the car were the lady’s choice, not God’s. Similarly, when a man marries a good woman, she is a gift from God, but she is the man’s choice.
It’s important to understand that the belief that God’s chosen spouse exists is a myth. For any doctrine to be valid, it must be clearly stated in the scripture, as the Bible is the only basis of authority in Christianity. Although many scriptures prove God doesn’t choose a spouse for us, we will examine just two scriptures.
First Scripture that Proves There’s no God’s Chosen Spouse
The first scripture we will look at is from the Book of Numbers 36:6
This is what the Lord commands concerning the daughters of Zelophehad: Let them marry anyone they like, as long as it is within their own ancestral tribe.
Numbers 36:6 NLT
In the scripture, God commands Zelophehad’s daughters to marry anyone they like. If God told Zelophehad’s daughters to marry anyone they liked, why would He choose a spouse for us? He does not change, as He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow (Malachi 3:6). If He told Zelophehad’s daughters to marry anyone they liked, He is also saying the same thing to us today.
However, there is a condition: marry from the tribe of their father. Their father, Zelophehad, was from the tribe of Manasseh, and Manasseh was a son of Joseph. Joseph was the son of Jacob, Jacob was the son of Isaac, and Isaac was the son of Abraham.
The condition of choosing a spouse in Christianity is to choose from the family of Abraham. Galatians 3:7 says that Christians are the children of Abraham. So, the condition in this era is to select a Christian. But which Christian should you choose? Any Christian of your choice. God does not choose a spouse for us. It’s our responsibility to choose our spouse.
Second Scripture that Proves There’s no God’s Chosen Spouse
He who finds a wife finds what is good
and receives favour from the Lord.
Proverbs 18:22 NIV
The passage says that whoever finds a wife finds something good and receives favour from God. Hence, it means any man who finds a wife has found something good, implying it is a man’s duty to find a wife. The passage doesn’t say any wife found by God is good. Instead, it says any wife a man finds is good. In other words, choosing a wife is a man’s responsibility. But it’s God’s responsibility to give the man a favour.
How the Myth of God’s Chosen Spouse Causes Late Marriage
Anyone who believes it’s God’s responsibility to choose our spouse experiences a late marriage. Such people always focus on searching for a person God created for them but cannot succeed as such a person doesn’t exist.
For example, a man who desires to marry may meet a Christian lady he likes. Instead of marrying her, the man would start studying her to ensure she is God’s choice. After a year of intensive study, the lady shows irregular behaviour, making the man realise she wasn’t created for him. He dumps her and finds another lady to study.
After six months, he meets one, studies her for three years, and realises that she wasn’t created to be his spouse. He dumps her and looks for another one. The cycle can continue until the man is forty and decides to marry a lady without studying her because time is no longer on his side.
People who understand that no one is perfect don’t go on a study spree. Unfortunately, some such people are affected by the myth of God’s chosen spouse and embark on prayer to find out if the person they meet is God’s choice. Since God does not choose a spouse, He wouldn’t answer such prayers, resulting in a late marriage.
Furthermore, when an unmarried person believes that God chooses a spouse for them, the person unknowingly starts searching for “God’s choice.” Consequently, the person’s mind closes to just the “God’s choice”, causing people who are not the “God’s choice” to lose interest in them. If they meet anyone, the relationship may not work as the person is not “God’s choice”. And because the “God’s choice” does not exist, they can’t find one, resulting in a late marriage.
How the Myth of God’s Chosen Spouse Causes Unhappiness and Divorce
When a man and woman meet themselves and, for one reason, believe they were God’s choice for each other, they have made one of the biggest mistakes of their lives. This belief will make them expect perfect behaviour from one another. Whenever either of them displays irregular behaviour, which is bound to happen, the other will be disappointed. The disappointment may lead to unhappiness and frustration and, in some cases, to separation or divorce.
The Solution to the Myth of God’s Chosen Spouse
No matter how one prays or studies people, one cannot marry a perfect person since no one is perfect, and God does not choose a spouse for us.
So, the best thing is to marry based on God’s command, which says we should marry anyone we like as long as they are from Abraham’s family (Numbers 36:6). And Galatians 3:7 says that Christians are the children of Abraham.
Therefore, if you are single, obey God’s command and marry any Christian you like. And because no spouse is perfect or chosen by God, you must tolerate and forgive your spouse to be happy.
If you are already married to an unbeliever, God wants you to live in peace instead of leaving the marriage.
Whether married to a believer or unbeliever, the first step to becoming happy is realising that your spouse cannot always make you happy. Since no one is God’s chosen spouse and no one is perfect, your spouse will do unpleasant things sometimes and cannot always make you happy. So, to be happy and have a blissful marriage, you must tolerate and forgive your spouse and work on your marriage.
Further Study
Prayer Point
Dear Father, I ask for the grace to tolerate and forgive.
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